Pretend Pearls vs Real Pearls

Not sure exactly how it went but there was a story I used to read to campers involving pretend pearls vs real pearls.  I believe it had something to do with purity or God's best or both.  The story involved a little girl who was enthralled with the set of pretend pearls she played with.  So enthralled with the pretend pearls that when her father offered her REAL pearls she refused them at first.  She couldn't accept the real pearls because her tiny chubby little hands were full of the pretend pearls.  Her father finally had to rip away the pretend pearls which hurt the little girls heart and brought her to tears.  When she finally dried her eyes she was astonished at how foolish her tantrum was and how glorious her REAL pearls were.

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I struggle with understanding how free-will works.  What exactly does God's confirmation look like?  Did I miss a "window" of opportunity to go to New Zealand.  There are a lot of questions whirling in my head. 

What is truth?  God loves me. 

Would God have honored me simply trusting and going to serve in New Zealand / the Around the World trip with YWAM had I still gone?  ...I think so.

What are my feelings about YWAM as an organization?  Still LOVE it!  Seems likely I'll always be connected to it through various friends and opportunities.

What now?

Everywhere I go I see ORPHANS.  In literature, sermons, concerts, movies, dreams, you name it.  I knew I'd have a remarkable opportunity to do outreach for 3 months with YWAM but something in me just said... MORE please.

Normally...God's nudges are fairly obvious...but what I neglected was the obvious...over and over again people asking...well why not just go with the World Race?

The answer is I DON'T KNOW...but if I was honest it'd simply have to do with "I".  As you can see I still struggle with the word "I" a lot.  What I elluded to in my last post with the Laffy Taffy Heart business is that something NEW is going on with me...but its still tough to understand.

The biggest thing is FORGIVENESS...refusing to forgive certain people in my life just built up.  I wasn't serving my purposes or there's.  I think the girl that first set out to go on the crazy jet-setting trip just wanted to drink some magical Alice in Wonderland potion to just HEAL all that ailed...and YWAM just seemed to be that potion at the time.  I've since learned that it has to be God, His timing, and that He can still use people's brokeness.  I don't have to look a certain way to serve...there just needs to be a williness to do so.  More willing than I have been in some time.

Within this month God has begun to strip away at certain things...fears, anxieties, lies, etc.  My world just looks different...I'm beginning again...JOY...LOVE...these were concepts for me that were very hard to grasp...there were times I felt these emotions...sorta...but expressing them looked very different..almost a detachement from who God had designed me to be.  Seeing myself in God's eyes has helped too...hearing His truth about areas of my life that I thought I had even hidden from HIM...my Creator...how silly!

So....I ask for GRACE.  If you need to share your "I told you so's" be GENTLE.  It's still VERY tough for me to accept that New Zealand is a NOT NOW kinda dream.  THRILLED to be going with the World Race is an understatement....I cranked the song "Jump Around" and was literally jumping in my office today.  Launching sounds like a scary term...but I still believe God will use this Around Trip to "Launch" me into full-time ministry somewhere somehow.

For PRAYER....I felt totally at peace when I finally gave up the trip with YWAM a peace I hadn't felt in YEARS.  Taking a step in this new direction is a bit scary but trusting God has this handled...really handled is an amazing feeling too.

Thanks so much for reading this long BLOG and continueing to support me as a human.